apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
