fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
That's intense
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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