I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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