he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
