A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
