Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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