I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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