ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
