Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
