I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
