Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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