I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
