WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
