there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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