She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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