They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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