Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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