I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
