Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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