we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
