my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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