I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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