i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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