im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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