K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
