so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
