I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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