when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize