I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
