Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
