Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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