Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
