I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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