The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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