someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
