mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
