Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
