I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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