she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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