She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
