Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
