On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
