Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
