Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
