that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
