so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
