i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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