I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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