Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
