I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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