i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
