cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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