we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
