i think i have two assholes
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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