Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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