I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
