i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
