Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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