just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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